Your child's self-esteem style is

THE PERFECTIONIST

So what does this mean for them and how can you support them? Read on!...

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What makes a Perfectionist Unique?

Perfectionism can be a fantastic trait to have. Perfectionist children and teens often have amazing skill and expertise in certain areas. They set a target and continue until that target is achieved.

Perfectionists are often highly aware of their own abilities and strengths in relation to others.

Perfectionists can often (but not always!) be highly organised in their lives, which is a fantastic life skill that will help them in all areas of life.

Here's a summary of key perfectionist features:

High Standards

They expect the highest standards of themselves.

Focus

Often perfectionists become high achievers in certain areas as they are dedicated to perfection.

Strong Views

Perfectionists may have strong, clear views about the way things should be done.

What to Watch Out For in Your Perfectionist

Self-Criticism

It's fantastic that your child has high standards for themselves. But this can also set them up to regularly feel that they have failed if they don't achieve "perfection". Even 90% in a test may not be good enough for them.

Or they may find themselves re-starting a piece of art over and over - or discarding it altogether - because it's not perfect.

Your child may be their own biggest critic. They may not have self-compassion. This will result in your child having low self-esteem.

Perfectionists tend to have low self-esteem despite being successful. Many perfectionists feel that in some areas, no matter how hard they try they will never live up to their own standards. "Good enough" is not enough. Being perfect is generally unattainable, so your child may be setting themselves up for constant failure.

Rigidity in Group Settings

Perfectionists often have an unerring belief in the way things should be done. It's great to have strong and clear views, BUT what happens in group, team work or partner work activities when the other person doesn't have the same standards, or wants to do things differently?

Can your child "let it go" and step back? Are they good-natured if their team doesn't win, even though they are fiercely competitive? Can they prioritise relationships over perfection?

"If I Can't Be Perfect I Won't Try"

This is an example of low resilience. Your child may have all sorts of fears which are preventing them from trying something in the first place. They may feel they wouldn't be able to cope with the feeling of "failure". Or perhaps they worry that others will mock or tease them.

Try to get to the bottom of your child's unhelpful beliefs. Write them down, and talk openly about them. Eventually, your child will start to gently challenge their beliefs.

Perfectionist Top Tips

1. Practise working together at home, and help your child learn to compromise when working as a team. For example, if you make jam tarts together but they are not perfectly formed, help your child "sit with" the discomfort and enjoy the positives, such as the amazing taste of the jam tarts.

2. Model "failing" to your child. Talk to them and show them things you are not good at, but which you choose to do anyway! This could be dancing, cooking, running... basically any activity you enjoy. Help them see the joy and potential in getting out of your comfort zone and giving new things a try.

3. Foster self-compassion. Encourage your child to talk to themselves in the same way they would to a close friend or someone they care about.

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